| I'm sitting here, deep in my own thoughts. I am worn out, exhausted and sleep-deprived. I am hungry, for I haven't ate much the last two days. I am apathetic. I am angry. I am thankful. I am offended. But most of all, I am depressed. So here I am, listening to the blues and thinking of all the places I've gone wrong. I mean, there's certainly several places I can recall. The real trick is finding where I find went wrong. I haven't found that one yet. All I know is that I've my life has gone to hell before I ever saw it coming. Last week made six months since Donnie passed away. You know, it's amazing how you go from trying to cover up the pain with alcohol and the countless sleeping pills to accepting what's happened and trying to move on. I will never say it doesn't hurt. But in the end, the shock is far gone, the dust has long settled, and the rest is damage control. Wednesday was a terrible day, but I was given the opportunity to go see The Dark Knight with his family. I've never been a fan of Batman or Heath Ledger, but that movie was amazing. I celebrated my 21st birthday on Thursday. Although somewhat uneventful, it was a wonderful weekend, for a change, seeing family and hanging with friends. The one sober break from reality I've had in quite some time. On Sunday, I went kayaking for the first time, with Dad and Lynn. I did enjoy it, even with the rather interesting ending and the fact that I couldn't move my arms without pain the next day. I've barely been on here for the past two or three weeks. I am so behind on my subscriptions that I won't even bother catching up. It would take at least a few hours, no doubt. My apologies, but I don't have that time. Besides that, I am entirely too apathetic to care anymore. About anything. I'm tired of everything in life. I was never the one to be a pessimist. I am a realist, yes, but there is a difference. But in the wake of everything, that difference is slowly fading as the reality continually turns darker. I've never been more lonely in my life. I feel lost and misunderstood. The pain of depression and hopelessness never ends. Witnessing your own demise is only second worst to having no control to stop it. And if and when I'm not in pain, I am seeing those around me in undeniable pain. Those that I care about, suffering through things that a person should not have to deal with. All the while, those that should care just sit back and observe the freak show. My family and myself have dealt with far more the last year than I care to say. It's not fair. And yet, I'm forced to watch my own inexplicable quarter-life crisis life it's a spectator sport. I am so scared. I feel like giving up. |
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